Fourth Way Cult/”School” Stories
From âOur Stories,â published on the Esoteric Freedom Website âby and for current students and ex-students of Sharon Gans, Alex Horn and the teachers in Boston.â
Finding Life In Leaving
I have been âoutâ for fourteen years and have found that while I appreciated some of the teachings and experiences I had, what I miss most is the people I grew to admire and love. Ironically, many of them were fellow âstudentsâ of mine. I have never felt myself longing for Râs heavy-handedness or the bad therapy and poor advice I received while there. I now watch with interest as my friends continue to leave and find new life on the other side and I find it surprising that I never really knew them while in âschoolâ.
When I left there were few other ex-members whose names and numbers I knew. Of course this was by design. But I persisted and ended up helping a good friend leave and this created a two-person support group in our exit process. I found the transformation in the man I thought I knew extraordinary. While in the group, he was very often tired and worn out and was forced out of two long term relationships as a result of ârulesâ he was forced to follow. I remember vividly the night he left. He radiated with happiness, exploded with anger, and laughed at the absurdity of having devoted himself to a man and a system that had nearly destroyed him. It wasnât until that evening that I realized how lucky I was to have escaped before having my life altered in a similarly destructive way.
Within three years of leaving my friend had found a teaching job ( a long-term âaimâ), married a wonderful woman and is now the proud father of two young girls. Talking to him on the phone recently, he said life was âwonderful and full.â
So what does this have to do with me? It took me some time to figure out how to understand my experience in the Fourth Way (as it was then known). I found it ironic that I only began to understand the system and the dynamics within it once I left. The secrecy and âlevelsâ made everything so compartmentalized that it was impossible to see the larger structure. Very quickly I came to realize that I had been recruited as part of someone elseâs aim. My desire to pursue meaning and being was co-opted to provide others with money and power to dictate my spiritual course for me. My âchief weaknessâ was suspicion, I was told early on, after I asked whether my cash âtuitionâ was tax-deductible (as it should be in the case of a non-profit organization). A reasonable question was turned into a personal weakness to protect dirty secrets from being discovered. I had wonderful experiences at my first âclass outside of classâ as it seemed every woman found me attractive and every older member wanted to get to know me. It wasnât until after I left that I found out that this was all by design. How did all of these people really feel? I still wonder that at times. Sometimes lies can feel rewarding and this was one of many times I realize I was emotionally manipulated.
As I moved onward and upward I became a true believer. I was proud that I completed every aim during my time in and I felt fulfilled by the acting and singing I was doing in Jordanâs acting class and in Arbor Vitae (a group-related singing group). But at the same time I was growing more distant from close friends and family, I missed some important family events, and I changed jobs so that I could devote more time to âschoolâ. Those who knew me well outside of the group said that I was becoming more arrogant, dogmatic, and controlling as I began to internalize the behavior of older members and teachers. Of course I thought I was growing my being. Sometimes lies can feel rewarding.
Then one day in March I was called to my home at my sisterâs request to confront my mother about a group she had been involved with for almost thirty years. As a therapist began to list the aspects of dangerous forms of mind-control, I realized that I had been duped. My first reaction was one of horror. I was too smart and too self-realized to get caught in a cult. It couldnât be. But I had to find out and I began reading. Before the next meeting, I had read three important books on mind-control and cult dynamics and then I headed to Woburn to see for myself.
My final experience in school was horrific. I saw body-work inducing trance states (even as I enjoyed the movement one last time), watched as R. shut down critical thought in the early class and then watched how the group disciplined anyone who fell out of line later on. The teachings on the food diagram became painfully easy to understand for the first time. All you really need to understand is that Carbon 14 can only be produced by being in a Fourth Way School. Now that itâs OSG or whatever the latest subterfuge is, does that still count? This flew in the face of my experience. I had met many other extraordinary men: Father Bede Griffiths, Ram Dass, Henry Nouwen, Thich Nhat Hanh, Jean Vanier who had no connection to âthe workâ but were great men and spiritually developed nonetheless. My experience told me what the truth was. The big lie was revealed.
Of course there was a part of me, the true believer, that thought that perhaps I was making a horrible mistake. I had devoted years of my life, made many close friends, and had learned some valuable things. I had experienced other-worldly classes outside of class and pushed myself to the limit. But I had seen the group had mislead me, even as it had offered me some things of value and I quickly realized that I had no option.
As I become further removed from the experience, I realize that it is possible to integrate some of the best aspects of âschoolâ in my own life. I still pursue my passions (âaimsâ), I have a wonderful group of friends and enjoy seeing my old Fourth Way friends at social occasions, and I am part of an active church community that provides many of the same things that I was able to get while in the group. I may not get to experience a Christmas âclass outside of classâ again but I also spend time with my family, get enough sleep, and have ownership over my life. I am happy, fulfilled, and content. I have found that escaping from a lie is more satisfying at a deeper level than is the temporary reward of living someone elseâs lie.
From time to time I run into people I know who are still âin school.â When I see that they panic at my presence and struggle to acknowledge my existence, I am reminded once again that âsleeping humanityâ is a question of perspective. I realize that I view them the exact way that they view me. Who is right? Black and white thinking is tempting and simplistic. If you view the world that way, they may be right. But there are hundreds of other groups just like it that think the same way. So if you view the world in shades of gray, as I do, you will realize that such a dramatic difference between those in the âworkâ and those outside it is simply part of the bigger lie. It can only make sense in a world where information is regulated, secrecy rules, and you are taught to think from someone elseâs system.
Life is beautiful in its complexity. I find that I appreciate the fact that I had an opportunity to be a part of the Fourth Way but I never want to do it again. I found some constructive meaning in a destructive system. I love people I never really knew. I have gone from respecting [Robert Klein] to having a profound sense of pity for him, trapped as he is. The truth is liberating, but there is still much for us to do in making sense of what our experience âin the workâ meant. That path is unique to every one of us. We need to replace R., Sharon, et al. with our own voices of inner-authority and stand confident in the knowledge that real teachings and wisdom are not dependant on coercion, mis-representation and lies. Learning not to lie will set you free.
